I'm not sure why TV programs like Ground Force, Better Gardens and Backyard Blitz ever return to their garden makeovers - but I'm sure glad they do. It's like watching a dog return to its vomit, checking it over to see why it escaped in the first place and then casually lapping it up as though it were a brand new meal.

If the viewing public never saw this screening we would all assume that the fairytale gardens that were designed months previously were still being enjoyed by the lucky families. Every day they would wake to count their blessings basking in their backyard fortuitousness.

Alas, nothing could be further from the truth.

I don't know what the real statistics are for the success of these garden makeovers but I could surmise that more than 90% of them fail. (*By failure I'm suggesting that they no longer look as neat and sharp as they did when the TV crews left). The pebbles are now scattered throughout the postage stamp lawn, the cordylines have taken over and the standard flowering specimens are little more than stumps with a few twigs - and they weren't deciduous.

So, why do TV garden makeovers fail? Surely they should have the greatest chance at success than what us amateur gardeners could put together.

Apart from the reasons Andy Sturgeon gives in Exploding the Makeover Myth, here are some thoughts on why I think they inevitably fail.

1. Most people don't want TO garden, they just want A garden. TV garden makeovers usually start with homes that have NO garden whatsoever. A piece of scraggly lawn and a corner junkpile seem to be the only pre-requisites for being selected so it's plainly obvious that these homeowners take no joy in embracing nature's gift.

   If they were gardeners, there's no way they would allow these TV crews to even enter their property apart from showcasing their garden in a respectable gardening documentary. Gardeners don't want someone to do it for them. They want to take risks, experiment and fail their way to a successful garden without a horticulturalist overseeing their every move.
   

2. Gardens take longer to create than 48 hours
   The great shame with TV garden makeovers is their ability to perpetuate the McDonald's Mentality - that is, if it's not there in 45 seconds or less then you're obviously waiting too long.

   Gardens take years to grow. YEARS! What just happened in the last hour on TV was nothing more than a few plants being unceremoniously plonked in the ground and a water feature erected to constantly remind you of your need for the toilet.

   That is NOT a garden!
   



3. There is no TEAM to perform daily gardening miracles
   I'm sure the victims (oops!) ...lucky recipients of the garden makeover - who are obviously not gardeners - were completely overwhelmed with the sheer amount of work performed to beautify their plot of land. Once the dust has settled and life continues it must seem gigantically onerous to maintain what this team has created.

   And all that's left is the poor little homeowner to make head and tail of this garden.

   It would be the same as handing over a professional blog template with all the bells and whistles to a person with no understanding of HTML. It's all good until something goes wrong and suddenly you face this mammoth task of trying fix this thing for which you have limited understanding. In the end it all gets too hard and you throw up your hands in despair.
   

As a gardener, I enjoy these shows for the inspiration they provide - but that's where the love affair ends. While the viewing public exalts the generous TV stations, I always view them as an unattached 16 year old dealing with a brand baby. Now what?